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The Watauokubimach

Episode I: Paige’s Statement
Author: Py the Great

One afternoon in early July at the Fox household, Jason turned to Paige in awe. “What...What did you just say?” were the only words he was able to form.

“I said, I am the Watauokubimach of Animadordin,” Paige replied.

Jason was beside himself. He knew much about the feared beast through his studying of the ancient art of Comajaran, but he never would have guessed that, despite his intuition regarding something just not being quite right about his sister, that she in fact was the beast itself.

Then again, after retreating to his room and recounting the facts in his mind for about three hours, it made sense. The Watauokubimach was said to spend countless hours each day grooming its appearance in order to reach proper form to perform the sacrificial rites of the Latipobay; Paige spent the majority of her free time obsessing about her looks. The Watauokubimach suffered from a severe distaste of iguanas, as they were believed to be the only animal capable of destroying it; Paige despised Jason’s iguana, Quincy. The sexuality of the Watauokubimach was not well understood; Paige’s inability to get a date was equally mysterious. The Watauokubimach dedicated years of its life to studying the awesome magical power of Xeouphi; Paige tended to disappear to her room for ages to do God-knows-what. The Watauokubimach preyed on males of the human species; perhaps all of those teen girl magazines Paige read were like menus to her. The Watauokubimach was ugly; so was Paige.

But a comparison of appearance also posed a major problem for the theory that the beast and Jason’s sister were one and the same. The Watauokubimach was an eight-foot-tall green, furry monster with massive sharp teeth and a single red eye. Paige was a fairly normal-looking 14-year-old girl.

Jason went downstairs and asked Paige, “Are you really the Watauokubimach?”

Paige replied, “Uh, what??” She paused for several seconds. “Oh, right. No. I was just fucking with you.”

Episode II: The Most Epic Battle of the Weekend
Author: Py the Great

The day started like any other Saturday in September. Jason awoke, ate breakfast, read a bit of the newspaper, and then returned to his room for an internet gaming session. After tiring of World of Warcraft, he searched for an internet puzzle game to stimulate his mind. He stumbled upon “silversphere”, a fun game that challenged his intellect, timing, and motor ability. He breezed through the first 23 levels with barely a life lost, but was momentarily stumped on level 24.

“Quincy, I don’t know where to start,” he said.

“You need to push the ice block all the way to the right, then do some other stuff,” Quincy told Jason.

“Oh. Thanks,” Jason replied.

Jason solved the level and proceeded to easily best level 25. 24 turned out to just be a minor hiccup for Jason’s brain.

Peter then entered the room, frantically spewing semi-coherent babble.

“Jason, you know, I was wondering!!! I am freaking out over here due to my wonderment and speculation and stuff!!!! If I have sexual intercourse with my girlfriend, like, then, uh, and ejaculate into her vagina or whatever, is it possible for her to take a shower and wash it off so she won’t get pregnant? Gosh, I hope it’s possible to do, Jason and Quincy!!!! Otherwise, I might be fouled up!” Peter exclaimed.

“Shut up, Peter,” said Quincy.

“Oh. Thanks, Quincy.” Peter left, briefly. Jason found a game called “Bloons Tower Defense 3”, and had played it for a few minutes when Peter returned.

“Um, Jason, I have some bad news for you that Mom wants me to relay. Mom and Dad found your books about the ‘Komgaran’ or something. They think it would be best if you took a few remedial Sunday school classes,” Peter said.

“Oh, fuck, they saw my Comajaran tomes,” replied Jason. “I suppose they have the wrong idea about the ancient art. They should probably send Paige too, since she was pretending to be the Watauokubimach a couple of months ago.”

Peter laughed. “Little brother, I guess that’s your thing to bring up with them if you want to. I’m just the messenger here.” He again left Jason’s room.

Jason played the game for a little longer, but his mind was uneasy due to the news. Leaving Quincy in his room, he went downstairs to look for Paige, since she was the only one who had known about his Comajaran books prior to his parents recently discovering them. He wouldn’t put it past her to have ratted him out. His anger was building as he searched, unable to find her inside of the house. He next went outside where he spotted her chatting away on her cell phone.

“I remember, like, oh my God, back when I had braces, I was like walking to my mom’s room, and like, so, tripped on the carpet, then ran right into, ya know, the door frame, and so was causing my bottom braces to totally tear through right below my lower lip. Oh my God, I sooooo still have a scar shaped kinda like braces because of it, but I’m pretty sure that after collagen, oh my God, you’re not going to believe it, my lips are soooo full it’s hard to see unless I completely point it out to you!!!” Paige yapped into the phone.

“Jesus f’n Christ,” Jason muttered to himself. “This noisy bitch, I tell you what.”

Paige’s tone on the phone changed. “Hug me, honey, snuggly bunny...”

Jason was nonplussed. “What?” he softly asked, rhetorically.

Paige’s tone completely changed again. “Yesssss, my darling, and I was thinking, after we stop in Animadordin, we could go to Las Vegas. Yessssss...”

Jason paused, stunned. Hearing this made him wonder: Had she been fucking with him, months ago? Was she still fucking with him now, along with whoever was on the other end of the phone call? Could she really actually be the Watauokubimach? Was she just crazy? “Heh heh, well, actually I know she’s crazy. That’s beside the point,” he chuckled quietly.

“Hold on, Hcamibukouataw. I have heard something. This is bad! We cannot have this!” She dropped her phone. “JASON! WITH WHAT YOU NOW KNOW, YOU MAY NOT CONTINUE YOUR LIFE!!!”

Jason could not believe his eyes as he watched Paige seamlessly morph into the Watauokubimach in a manner reminiscent of the T-1000 in Terminator II: Judgment Day, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Edward Furlong, Linda Hamilton, and Robert Patrick; directed, co-written, and co-produced by James Cameron; and distributed by Tri-Star Pictures.

“RARRRRORRRRRRRORROORRRARRRRARRRRRRWWWWRRRR,” bellowed the Watauokubimach as it ate Jason in 22 bites. “Yesssss. Tasty my little brother is. Wait, what is this urge. It is powerful. I have not felt it in so long. I just know I want. I want more. I want TEENAGE BOYS. YESSSSSSSSS.”

At that moment, Peter came out of the house, listening to “The Call of Ktulu” by Metallica on his iPod. He was heading to his friend Steve’s house. He was so into the music that he did not even notice the Watauokubimach. It confronted him, and soon he was no more; the Watauokubimach managed to eat the elder Fox in only 11 bites. Perhaps it was Jason’s great brain that had slowed the beast down during its devouring.

Nonetheless, the Watauokubimach was now feeling very, very good, and was ready to continue its feeding. It headed toward the town mall, singing and laughing to itself. On its way, it passed the house of Jason’s long-time friend, Marcus. Marcus was outside, tutoring a pre-calculus student from the local high school on his family’s picnic table.

“Logs are cool. Seriously. You can do some wacky stuff with them, like change logb(a2) to 2logb(a). THAT’S FUCKING COOL,” Marcus told the unidentified boy.

The Watauokubimach licked its lips and snuck up behind the boys. “RARRRORRRRORORRWWWRRRRARRRRR,” it roared, grabbing each boy in its clutches. It ate both of them, their brief, muffled screams doing nothing to save them. It continued toward the mall, coming ever so closer to that smorgasbord of annoyed teenage boys begrudgingly accompanying their girlfriends as they did their ridiculous shopping. Females make no sense.

Meanwhile, back at the Fox household, Quincy was not well. He had an unsettling feeling that something was wrong, and it was intensifying. He hopped out of Jason’s bed, and then scampered out of the room and down the stairs. He noticed that Peter, Paige, and Jason were not present, which was not an issue by itself, but his Iguana Intuition (this is a thing) told him that this was abnormal. It wasn’t that all of them were out or something. No, something was very amiss. Quincy knew that he needed to get out of the house and investigate. He pushed and pushed on the screen door, and was eventually able to open it.

Once in the front yard, the unmistakable feelings and scents that accompany death invaded Quincy’s senses. He surmised that Jason and Peter were no more, and was stricken with sadness. However, he also realized that this was not the time for grieving. There was also a new scent in the air, and this scent called to Quincy’s senses of righteousness and justice. Quincy knew that he needed to follow it. Specifically why he needed to do so, he was not sure, but he had the feeling that he would soon find out.

By this time, the Watauokubimach was a few blocks from the mall, nearing the end of the neighborhood. It heard moaning coming from inside a house. “Oh, great, another couple fucking,” it thought. “Wait a second...” Upon listening closer to the screams of passion, it realized that this couple was two males, and they sounded young. “Oh, hell yessssssssssss, jackpot!!” it said excitedly as it broke into the house.

“And he does not just want gay, he wants CANADIAN GAY! Yes, yes, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!” screamed one of the teenage gay lovers in pleasure, as he climaxed into his boyfriend’s rectum. The two proceeded to cuddle. Just then, the Watauokubimach stormed into their bedroom. The satisfied boys continued to lie there, stunned at the majestic nature of the beast.

“RARRRORORRRWWWRRRRAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRWWRROOORRR,” roared the Watauokubimach, consuming the homosexual couple in two huge chomps. It left their house and continued on its way.

Upon arriving at the mall, the Watauokubimach ate a car just for the hell of it; I mean, why not? It then hid behind a garbage dumpster to take a nap. It was pretty exhausted after eating the homosexuals, and needed some rest if it was going to terrorize the shopping mall at full strength.

At this moment, Quincy had just reached the house of the gay lovers, and was able to deduce exactly what had occurred from the variety of scents. He sighed. “Those poor kids, their lives were ahead of them,” he thought as he continued on his way.

As Quincy arrived at the mall and was attempting to pinpoint the final destination that the smells were leading him to, the Watauokubimach was waking up. “Rarrrwrroorararrr,” it uttered, stirring from its slumber. It briefly groomed and then started to make its way over to the food court. It had managed to travel far enough from the dumpster that when Quincy reached it, he was not able to catch sight of the Watauokubimach.

“Fuck my life, shit is about to get so real,” thought Quincy. “This mysterious scent is so strong here. Wait. I think it continues toward the mall.” He continued to follow his nose, and set out towards the food court as well.

When the Watauokubimach entered the food court, the patrons of the mall were very confused. “What is this, some kind of promotion?”, “Dude, it isn’t Halloween yet,” and “Man, fuck that green monster and shit, bro,” were among the sorts of comments that were heard.

“RARWRRERRRRORORRRRRARARRRRRR,” roared the Watauokubimach at the top of its lungs, and it began to eat people. No male was safe. It ate babies, old men, fat men, skinny men, black men, white men, and of course, its favorite, teenage boys. It ate a girl who looked like a boy and vomited all over the food court, just to exclaim, “NOW I CAN EAT EVEN MORE!!!!!” and then to eat four 11-year olds in a single gulp.

When Quincy pushed open the door to the food court, he witnessed the mall in a state of panic. People were running everywhere. Mall security had no idea what to do. People were throwing things at the Watauokubimach, but nothing deterred it in the least. Upon his first glimpse of the beast, Quincy knew that this was all on him. This was his calling. He would destroy the Watauokubimach. It was his destiny.

Quincy walked up to the beast, which was finally slowing down its consumption rate. “You motherfucking piece of shit,” he said. “You ate my owner, his brother, and all of these other people. Who the hell do you think you are?” he said.


The Watauokubimach turned around and unleashed a stream of fiery arrows from its buttocks, the first of which glanced Quincy, singeing him and sending him flying across the room and into a table.

“Yep, shit just got real,” muttered Quincy.

The Watauokubimach lunged toward Quincy, preparing to use the ancient Xeouphi magic of “Yorleyon” to finish him off. At the last second, however, Quincy leaped into the air, using one nail to stab the eye of the big, ugly monster.

“AAAAHHAHHHHHHHHH!!!!” screamed the beast in pain. “FUUUUUUCK YOOOOOUUUUU!!!!”

“That’s right, motherfucker,” said Quincy as he jumped down to the feet of the Watauokubimach. He tied its legs together swiftly, rendering the beast unable to move. “Yeah, bitch, yeah,” he added. Quincy then leaped into the mouth of the still-blinded Watauokubimach, and before it knew what hit it, was able to bend the top of its mouth up and backward, breaking the beast’s spine and killing it. Blue blood dripped from its mouth.

“Damn, I’m awesome,” Quincy pronounced.

Just then, the police finally arrived. They were stunned to see a food court full of some still-panicking people, blood and guts, a dead monster, and an iguana.

“See guys, it happened like this...” began Quincy. He proceeded to explain the entire story, as well as he could perceive, to the authorities. Everyone who heard it was dumbfounded by the sequence of events. Quincy finished his tale with “Later, dudes,” and wandered off toward the setting sun. He would live to see another day, but the same could not be said for Jason, Peter, Marcus, and the other casualties of the very ornery and hungry Watauokubimach.

Episode III: Cami and Wata Strike Back
Author: Py the Great

A minute or so had passed since Quincy destroyed the Watauokubimach. In the nearby urban development known as New York City, Hcamibukouataw, a powerful shape-shifter who otherwise was really nothing more than a drug-addicted nitwit, was relaxing in a Starbucks on the corner of Allen and Delancey. It was messing around on its iPhone when it received a very disturbing tweet from XeOuPhI4LyFe, a powerless gnome in Animadordin: “shit, wata jus got its ass fucked up by sum iguana, smh”. This shocked the beast, which had to concentrate to maintain its disguise as a businessman.

“Wata...We had such plans for our future. We were going to go to Las Vegas! I mourn ye,” thought Hcamibukouataw. It was unsure of what to do. Without the Watauokubimach, it would be impossible to generate the mystic energy of Yawayukominch to gather all of the teenage boys of America together to comprise the grand feast.

The only hope for Hcamibukouataw, who was unversed in magical ways to cheat death, was to pursue the local library on Mulberry Street in hopes of discovering the One Comajaran Tome said to hold the secret of reviving the fallen. It could have been anywhere in the world. However, by some amazingly low chance estimated to be about 1 in 1,574,285,068,172,581 (one quadrillion, five hundred seventy-four trillion, two hundred eighty-five billion, sixty-eight million, one hundred seventy-two thousand, five hundred eighty-one), he found the book in the back, right between two other rare books entitled “Garfield Eats Another Motherfucking Lasagna” and “Harry Potter Discovers Masturbation and Decides Magic is Lame”.

“Yesssss! Yawayukominch can still be a reality,” thought the beast as it left the library. It went home to Animadordin and got really drunk and stoned. The day to start studying the One Tome was clearly tomorrow.

The next morning, Hcamibukouataw woke up at 7:30 sharp and immediately got to work. It read. It read some more. It read until it could not possibly read another word. It got drunk and stoned and passed out.

This pattern pretty much repeated itself for three months. By mid-December, Hcamibukouataw was confident enough in its mastery of the material to attempt the sorcery. It, interestingly, had many pieces of jewelry that contained bodily fluids of the Watauokubimach in its possession. This is obviously an important plot device. Anyway, one artifact in particular had a special sentimental value that gave Hcamibukouataw more confidence in its ability to revive the Watauokubimach. It got out the promise ring that the Watauokubimach had given it eighty years ago, on the first night that the two beasts had anal sex, which contained one of its tears.

“The tear in this ring,” thought the brute, “soon will be the Watauokubimach.”

Hcamibukouataw gripped its tail and began to dance and chant like a fucking moron. After some time, the ring began to hover and glow. The beast continued the ritual. Finally, the ring began to shake. It cracked open, and out emerged the Watauokubimach.

“Hell yeah,” exclaimed Hcamibukouataw, slapping fives with its best friend and lover.

“Cami, my dear. Thank you kindly for my revival. We shall take over the world soon. But first, we must destroy the iguana,” said the Watauokubimach.

“Are you fucking kidding me bitch??” snapped Hcamibukouataw. “You can do that shit. I want to go eat some boys.”

“Calm down, my pretty. The time for boys shall come. For now, I must seek my revenge.”

“Ugh, bitch you ‘bout to get cut, but whatever. You go then, motherfucker. I’m gonna hit up the high school basketball game.”

They parted ways. The Watauokubimach began its journey toward the house of the Foxes.

At the house, Quincy had an unsettling feeling. His Iguana Intuition again told him that something was wrong. He wasn’t sure what was happening, but he had a feeling that he would be called into action. He went downstairs, past the sight of Roger and Andy kissing on the couch, and outside into the yard. Roger and Andy, incidentally, had been having sex pretty much constantly over the last few months to try to replace their deceased children. However, Andy had yet to get pregnant, and she wasn’t really getting off all that often either. This story is such a tearjerker, isn’t it?

Arriving in the front yard, Quincy caught sight of a most unexpected and unpleasant creature. He blinked his eyes in shock. The terrible beast of Animadordin stood before him. The Watauokubimach had returned from the dead to confront its killer.

“You...You’re dead,” Quincy said nervously. “I killed you in the mall.”

“I’m clearly not dead, dumbass. I’m right here. How stupid can you possibly be?” roared the Watauokubimach.

Quincy was silent. He moved away from the beast, bumping into a tree in the Foxes’ yard. He began to climb the tree, and the Watauokubimach followed in close pursuit. The beast used a variety of magical spells to attack Quincy, which he was able to deflect and dodge as he countered with projectiles that he pulled off of the tree. The two maneuvered their way throughout the tree to attempt to gain an advantage like when Obi-Wan Kenobi had the high ground in his battle against Darth Vader.

They ended up on one of the highest branches of the tree, when the Watauokubimach spewed a fireball. While Quincy was deflecting it, the beast used its tail to sever Quincy’s right hand.

“Aaaaahhhh!!!” yelped Quincy, falling from the branch he previously stood upon and holding on to the one beneath it for dear life with his remaining hand.

“If you only knew the power of Xeouphi. Jason never told you what happened to your father!” bellowed the Watauokubimach.

“He told me enough!” said Quincy. “He told me you killed him!!” You might think that this story would have mentioned such a plot point earlier, but just go with it, okay?

“No. I am your father. Duh,” the Watauokubimach stated matter-of-factly.

“That’s not true!! That’s impossible!!!” squealed Quincy.

“Search your feelings, you fuck nugget. You know it to be true!” roared the Watauokubimach.

“NOOOO!!!!!” Quincy began to scream. “Wait, fucking shit, this is so goddamn ridiculous. I’m out of here,” he thought as he let go of the branch and fell off of the tree. Downward and downward he tumbled, finally reaching the ground. He used all of his remaining strength to retreat into the house, and he locked the door.

“That motherfucker. He won this time. But I will return.” Quincy went to Jason’s old room and was fitted for an electronic hand by medical droids.

The Watauokubimach, meanwhile, had climbed down from the tree and was making its way to the high school basketball game to find Hcamibukouataw. “That was quite some shit,” it thought, satisfied. “Quincy,” it said.

“Father?” Quincy heard the voice of the beast in his head and blankly gave his reply.

“Come eat teenage boys with me. It is your destiny.”

“Oh, Jesus f’n Christ, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. This is complete bullshit,” thought Quincy. “Fuck off, you overgrown lizard,” he replied to the Watauokubimach. He then went to sleep, exhausted but alive to fight the final battle of this epic war on another day.

Episode IV: The Final Chapter of the Trilogy?
Authors: Py the Great, Lord of Fox

…Wait, this is a hoax! That is not the Watauokubimach! It is a false beast!

Proverb: “Thou shalt revere no pink beast of heresy, for when the Time of Reckoning is come on the plains of Riundinmeron, there shall the heretics be devoured by the Beast-Child, he of green skin and blue blood, who devours all and spares none.” Thus spake the Watauokubimach, and its words burned a thousand souls with vitriol and venom.

- The Pythonomicon, Book of Animadordin
From the Collections of Jason Fox

Special thanks to Lord of Fox and whoever made the video!

Episode V: Quincy and the Ghastly Consecrates
Author: Py the Great

On a quiet evening in early January, Quincy was still.

He knew not yet what to do, but he knew what must eventually be done.

The lives of the teenage male population of America and Animadordin alike could only be spared by the obliteration of the Watauokubimach.

Quincy knew now that this task would not be as easy as he first presumed. In the time since the last meeting of iguana and beast, he had discovered three terrible truths that each greatly complicated matters in different ways.

The first truth was one of elucidation for our hero. Quincy had returned to the Habogad Marsh to consult with his mentor, Frog Thing, who revealed that the Watauokubimach was indeed his father: Quincy had been conceived through rape of an iguana at the city zoo, and had afterwards been sold to the pet store where Jason purchased him. However, Quincy was still fully an iguana genetically, because don’t question it, alright? Magic or something? Frog Thing then inexplicably decided that the day that Quincy returned was a good day for him to die, despite the fact that Frog Thing was nearly a thousand years old and had never previously shown signs of illness. Quincy was momentarily deterred by the confirmation that he was on a mission to destroy his own father, but he soldiered on. He knew that, as unsettling as the prospect was, it was a necessity.

The second truth was of a different nature, an entirely new complication in The Odyssey of The Iguana. Quincy, during a breather from a P90X workout, browsed the Watauokubimach’s Twitter page and discovered the existence of Hcamibukouataw. He knew now that he had to destroy both beasts. Quincy also scanned Hcamibukouataw’s tweets and noted that, fortunately for him, the newly discovered creature had intelligence somewhat comparable to a mentally challenged chimpanzee.

The third truth was the most daunting of all. Quincy had a discussion with Roger about Paige’s past, and his interest was piqued as Roger revealed details of her boy-crazy nature, because it helped him to understand the ebbs and flows of the Watauokubimach’s dietary needs. However, there was one specific portion of Paige’s past love interest stories that had additional meaning beyond the grasp of Roger. When Roger stated, “She would also talk about having 69 crushes on whores or something. I always thought that was very bizarre,” Quincy gasped.

That is when he knew that the Watauokubimach had created 69 Whorecrushes: magical artifacts that kept the beast alive even if its body was destroyed. SHIT.

Quincy reasoned that Hcamibukouataw must have used one of them to bring the beast back. Thus, there were as many as 68 that needed to be found and destroyed, or else it would forever be possible for any idiot with basic knowledge of Xeouphi to revive the Watauokubimach. FUCK.

Quincy, only having minimal background knowledge about Whorecrushes from some brief skimming of Jason’s Comajaran books, went upstairs to further study the magical articles. He learned that one who desires to make a Whorecrush must first encase some of their bodily fluid inside of a piece of jewelry, and next cast a spell while eating a teenage boy. Quincy figured that while the Watauokubimach had surely made use of its tears, blood, sweat, urine, and saliva at least once each, it would have been expected to use its semen and vaginal excretions for the majority of the Whorecrushes because it would make sense if it was just a total kinky fuck. Also, it’s a fucking hermaphrodite, okay? Quincy also discovered that iguana teeth alone had the power to destroy Whorecrushes. He finally understood why, according to the legend, only an iguana could defeat the Watauokubimach.


Meanwhile, the Watauokubimach and Hcamibukouataw had returned to Animadordin to share dinner and drinks at the cave residence of the Watauokubimach. The muffled screams of a teenage girl could be heard from the Watauokubimach’s bedroom throughout dinner; it told its friend and lover not to mind the screams for they were unimportant. After dinner, the two beasts studied in preparation to attempt Yawayukominch, a spell that would summon all of the teenage boys in America to one location so that the beasts could devour each and every one.

“We should do a joint ceremony and combine the practices of Yawayukominch and Latipobay, my love. We must perform the summoning magic on the plains of Riundinmeron, Cami, which is also a suitable place for the sacrificial rites. It will truly be the Time of Reckoning,” said the Watauokubimach quietly.

“Yes, Wata. It is told that the spell must be performed there,” replied Hcamibukouataw, even though they could actually do it anywhere that they fucking wanted. The Watauokubimach was really just interested in a little bit of wilderness nookie prior to the two rituals. Hcamibukouataw was such a dipshit.

The night progressed calmly, for the time being. The Watauokubimach’s mind was focused upon sex, food, and magic. It was wholly unoccupied with Quincy. Their last interaction had consisted of a brief telepathic conversation and Quincy had forcefully dismissed the Watauokubimach. The beast misinterpreted this occurrence as a loss of interest in the entire situation, likely driven by the realization that any effort made by Quincy to destroy it would be an attack upon his own father. It had grown perfectly content to leave him alone as long as it believed that he was idle; however, Quincy was not idle.


Back at the home of the Foxes, Quincy used a pair of pliers to pull out three of his many razor-sharp serrated teeth, and then stuck them into an enlargement machine that Jason secretly kept in his closet. This would make it easier to wield the teeth as weapons of Whorecrush destruction. It sure is a fortunate coincidence that Jason had made that machine, isn’t it? Quincy left two of the teeth on Jason’s desk as spares, and took the other one with him to Paige’s old room.

In the room that used to belong to the disguised Watauokubimach, Quincy found and destroyed 33 pieces of jewelry that his Iguana Intuition knew to be Whorecrushes. Among the more fascinating of the many jewels were a locket in the shape of a heart that held about a teaspoon of Watauokubimach vaginal fluid, diamond earrings containing a nanoliter apiece of blood (get it, blood diamonds?), and a pearl necklace that had semen inside one of the pearls. Innuendo was evidently not lost on the Watauokubimach.

After destroying the 33rd item, a silver anklet filled with urine, Quincy’s Iguana Intuition told him to rest. There were no more Whorecrushes in the vicinity. There were, however, undoubtedly 35 more somewhere else. Quincy believed that he must venture into unfamiliar territory, where few humans and no iguanas had ever gone before. He needed to take a journey into a land that was not depicted on any human-made map, a realm that was as untamed as it was uncharted, a place that nerdy mortals dreamed of someday seeing: the legendary realm of Animadordin.


Speaking of Animadordin, there the Watauokubimach had grown irritated with Hcamibukouataw. Following a few graphic and disgusting sessions of sex for which details shall be gracefully omitted, the latter beast had smoked four bowls of marijuana, taken two caps of LSD, and injected a nearly lethal dose of heroin. It was FUCKED UP. Hcamibukouataw was chain-smoking cigarettes when the Watauokubimach finally lost its shit.


“We will have to continue our preparations for Yawayukominch another day,” it added as Hcamibukouataw stumbled out of its cave to return home, mumbling incoherently.

The Watauokubimach sighed to itself, wishing that anyone else in the world could be its best friend and lover. Unfortunately, the two creatures were bound by a magical contract years ago, were not able to physically harm each other excluding S&M stuff, and had eliminated all other threats to their existence throughout Animadordin. The Watauokubimach drifted off to sleep on the floor of its cave, for its bedroom was occupied.


At the home of the Foxes, Quincy was determinedly perusing Jason’s Comajaran tomes, seeking any information that would give a clue about the location of Animadordin. After several hours, he came across an atlas in one of the appendices of the Pythonomicon, an encyclopedia of various information relating to Animadordin, Comajaran, Xeouphi, and all of that shit. He deduced that Animadordin was located several hundred miles away from the outer coast of Staten Island, hidden from civilian detection by a cloaking spell. Additionally, he discovered the location of the home of Hcamibukouataw. He decided to first continue his mission there, postponing the inevitable conflict with the Watauokubimach until he had hopefully destroyed many more Whorecrushes.

Quincy hitchhiked to New York City, bringing the tooth along with some food and other survival needs with him in a fanny pack that belonged to Jason, which Quincy wore as a backpack. Upon his arrival, he climbed to the top of the Empire State Building. The time had come for him to use his Iguana Wizardry for the first time in his life. He always knew that he had powers, but he had kept them hidden, even from himself. Now, he would need to fly to Animadordin and dispel the cloaking magic; he knew that he could do both. The fact that the Watauokubimach conceived him may or may not have been the source of these powers. I don’t know, okay? Maybe Quincy was just the fucking shit.

“Iguanoleviatuscorpo!” invoked Quincy, and he accelerated into the air. He flew at the speed of sound (343 m/s, or 1,125 ft/s) toward Animadordin, using his Internal Iguana GPS to guide him toward the proper latitude and longitude. Upon his arrival to a location 381 m or 1,250 ft (that’s the height of the Empire State Building; clearly, I did my Googling) above Animadordin, he paused and floated in the air.


A small island of wilderness materialized below Quincy. He descended slowly, feeling confident and proud of his innate mastery of his magical ability. However, when he landed, he was momentarily perplexed. He was certain he had the coordinates correct and therefore should have arrived at the home of Hcamibukouataw, but he found himself alone in a grassy field without anything in sight.

Anything, that is, except an iPad.

“What the damn hell? Who leaves a fucking iPad out in the field in the middle of an uncharted country?” muttered Quincy.

He shrugged to himself. “YOLO,” he proclaimed, picking up the iPad and turning it on.

The iPad’s screen flickered for a moment, and then it spoke. “What is the password?”

“Umm, Xeouphi,” replied Quincy, thinking quickly though not expecting his answer to work.

“Correct.” The iPad ascended out of Quincy’s hands and moved a few feet forward, paused briefly in the air, then plunged straight downward at alarming speed, breaking through the ground. When the dust settled, he noticed that a ladder, presumably leading to an underground lair, had been revealed.

“Go fucking figure,” muttered Quincy. He was mentally over all of this absurd bullshit, but he had the fortitude to continue his mission. Simultaneously, he surmised that Hcamibukouataw must not be very bright if it used a password that anyone who lives in or has found Animadordin would know and link to the beast. Its stupidity was unbelievable. I mean seriously, what the fuck?

Upon approaching the hole, Quincy heard faint snores in the distance. As he descended the ladder, they became progressively louder. When he reached the bottom of the ladder and then stepped off onto an ornate carpet, the snores were practically deafening.

That settled it, then. Quincy’s first job was to kill Hcamibukouataw in its sleep.

He followed the snoring to a small room with the door left open. A quick glance inside revealed that it was clearly a bedroom, but it was unlike any that Quincy had seen to this point in his middle-aged iguana existence. End-to-end mirrors adorned the two sidewalls. Handcuffs, swords, axes, outfits suited for executioners, and skimpy underwear were all hung upon the far wall. On each side of the door that Quincy entered was an elaborate, locked cabinet. In the far right corner, a mattress hovered about a foot in the air, seemingly kept afloat by balls of a purple gaseous substance. Upon this mattress was Hcamibukouataw sleeping on its back in its true form, which was somewhat reminiscent of Cookie Monster.

“What. The. Fuck,” muttered Quincy silently. He grabbed a sword from the far wall, hopped onto Hcamibukouataw, and swiftly plunged the sword through the beast’s head, instantly stopping the snoring and ending the life of the intellectually stunted and drug-addicted creature that apparently may have also suffered from sleep apnea.

“Works for me,” said Quincy to himself. “Now, to find some Whorecrushes.”

Quincy used an axe to break open each of the two cabinets, and then got to work destroying all of the jewelry stored inside of them. He took out his removed and enlarged tooth and plunged it through such objects as a bracelet encased in hardened sweat, hoop earrings filled with a thin, invisible layer of impermeable, suspended and stretched tears, and a necklace supporting a pendant containing nearly a full fluid ounce of saliva. Gross. After destroying 32 in sum, his Iguana Intuition told him that he was finished.

“Well, I destroyed 33 in Paige’s bedroom, and 32 here. Presumably, the one that Hcamibukouataw used to revive the Watauokubimach was stored here as well. I suppose that the horny beast liked to use sexual numbers, hence 33 in each of its main two locations and 69 total. More importantly, I definitely have three left to destroy,” Quincy reasoned to himself. He placed Hcamibukouataw’s iPhone into his backpack - he figured it might come in handy - and left the bedroom.

Quincy was, of course, exactly right about the creation of the Whorecrushes; the perverted Watauokubimach had chosen 33 to represent anal sex and 69 to represent mutual oral sex, as these were its favorite sexual acts. I hope that this bit of exposition was not necessary for you, but just in case, there it was.

Anyway, Quincy left the underground dwelling of Hcamibukouataw in a bind. He figured that the cave of the Watauokubimach, which he also had educated himself about via the Pythonomicon, surely had a Whorecrush or two somewhere inside it. However, he was equally confident that the beast had stored at least one Whorecrush in an arbitrary location for safety; the Watauokubimach was not a cognitively incapacitated mushroom like its lover. He paced the field aimlessly, lost amidst his thoughts.


Several miles away, in its cave, the Watauokubimach had awoken. It needed a break from its nitwitted friend, but it did not yet know that its respite would be permanent. It made itself a snack consisting of three teenage boys that were kept in its large freezer, and sat down to read the latest issue of Seventeen. “Gosh, I would eat the fuck out of that ‘country cutie’ Brandon Chase, even if he did recently turn 20,” it chuckled to itself. Life was good for the Watauokubimach; it was blissfully ignorant of everything that Quincy had done to threaten its immortality, along with the death of its best friend. The iguana was still the furthest thing from its mind.


Back in the large field of Animadordin that lay atop of the dwelling of the dead Hcamibukouataw, Quincy had literally stumbled upon (i.e., tripped over) a decorated oaken rod that had years of wear and tear on it and was starting to decay. He turned around and picked it up. It appeared to be a magical wand of some sort.

Quincy read the inscription on one side of the wand to himself. “Finger the large redwood in the middle of the Forsaken Forest.” He flipped it over. “I am one of the Ghastly Consecrates,” he read.

Quincy was unsure what exactly the fuck a Ghastly Consecrate was, or why he should be interested in the Forsaken Forest, but because he was otherwise at a loss he started to walk toward the only forest that he had seen on the small island of Animadordin. I mean, that had to be it, right? As he approached the woods, he noticed that one tree in the center towered over the remainder of the foliage. “Well, that wasn’t difficult to find,” he thought.

As he stepped out of the clearing and into the forest, a dancing imp appeared before him. “Mooootheerrrfuuuuckkkerrr, mooooothhheeerrrfuuuuckkeerrr!!! I’mma killlll yoou deaadddd mooothheeeerrrfuuuckkeerrr!!” sang the imp.

“Okay, well you can fuck right off,” said Quincy, petrifying the imp with his Basilisk Glare. He didn’t know that he had it until right then, so neither did I, alright? He continued toward the redwood. Upon his arrival, he noticed a distinct pattern of wooden knotting in the shape of a vulva. “I guess I have to finger that,” he muttered to himself.

Quincy fingered the tree briefly, and its ostensible vagina opened just enough to allow entry to anyone up to about the size of a six year-old human. Quincy climbed inside. He found himself in a surprisingly large, modernly furnished living room, with an unnecessarily huge LED TV on the left wall. Sitting on the sofa on the right side of the room was an aged, bearded dwarf wearing purple robes.


The Watauokubimach was somewhat bothered. It had placed four calls to Hcamibukouataw, sent it 10 texts, and tweeted at it twice, all using its iPhone. When each form of communication went unanswered, it knew that something was amiss. However, it did not want to plod across Animadordin to Hcamibukouataw’s hole in the ground, so it decided to remain at home at least for another few hours. It turned on its PS3 and began to play Grand Theft Auto V.


“Well hello! If it isn’t the Chosen One!” spoke the dwarf as Quincy entered his home.

“Oh good fucking lord, spare me the mythical bullshit and help me find the last three Whorecrushes and defeat the Watauokubimach,” replied Quincy.

“Very well,” said the dwarf. He stood up and walked to Quincy and shook his robotic hand. “I am Fladnag. It is good to finally meet you, Quincy. I trust from your presence in my home that you found the first of the Ghastly Consecrates: The Older Wand.”


“Yes, yes, well, that wand may be more ancient than time itself and most of its powers may have faded, but it is a crucial part of locating the two Whorecrushes that are not currently in Animadordin.”

“Shit, two?” asked Quincy.

“Yes sir! And there are two other Ghastly Consecrates as well! Fortunately, I have the first right in here!” Fladnag pulled down his pants and reached his left hand into his buttocks, pulling out a shiny stone no larger than an anal bead. He extended his hand to offer the stone to Quincy and began, “Here is the-”

“Oh hell no bro I am NOT touching that thing,” Quincy quickly interjected.

“Oh right, pardon my dementia. I suppose that the place where I kept the Rejection Stone may deter you from wielding it. Let me clean it for you.”

“Jesus,” muttered Quincy. “The Older Wand? The Rejection Stone? What’s next, the Cloak of Futility?”

“Why, yes!” responded Fladnag. “You must find the Cloak of Futility!”

Quincy had no response to this admission except to sit down on the floor and face-palm. This is really some shameless stuff, isn’t it?

“You see, Quincy, as we get Older, we begin to face Rejection of our sexual advances and we come to realize that they are marked by Futility! Death provides a sweet release from the pain caused by the inability to get laid. Therefore, the trio of age, dismissal, and hopelessness are forever encapsulated in these three magical items, which combined give us the power to end lives or, as will aid your quest, to locate objects that assist in the ending of lives!”

Quincy, even knowing that the dwarf’s words were true and understanding that these items were going to somehow enable him to find the two Whorecrushes that were outside of Animadordin, was in a state of disbelief. This was just beyond fucking ridiculous at this point.

“You see, life is really just about sex, anyway. The only lasting purpose of our existence is to pass our genes along. Once we can no longer do so, we might as well die. We can still accomplish things once sexual rejection is inevitable, sure, but our evolutionary imperative is no longer feasible and that is bad. After all, in millions of years, everything that we did on this world will be gone and forgotten, but maybe if we’re lucky, some of our genes will still be around. Therefore, we need to mate repeatedly and hope for the best. Right, Quincy?”

Quincy didn’t respond, because he had stopped listening and was instead pondering whether he favored “Circle of Life” or “A Whole New World” as the best Disney song of the 90’s. Fladnag approached him and presented the cleaned Rejection Stone, and Quincy focused his attention back onto the dwarf.

“Now, Chosen Iguana, you are to go forth and find the Cloak of Futility! The Rejection Stone will serve as your guide! See, the edge of the Stone nearest the Cloak is lit!”

Quincy looked at the Stone, then at the wall by the exit where its lit edge faced. “Wait,” he said. “Is that the Cloak right on your wall? That tapestry by the door that reads ‘This is the Cloak of Futility you fucking halfwit’?”

“Oh my goodness, how silly am I!!” Fladnag responded. “Yes, that’s it! Go ahead and take it down! We can locate the Whorecrushes together!!”

Quincy face-palmed again, then walked over to the Cloak and removed the thumbtacks holding it up. He brought it and the other two Consecrates to Fladnag, who stood the Wand on his coffee table vertically and placed the Stone atop it. He next tied two corners of the Cloak around the Wand just below the Stone, resembling a cape on a stick figure. Sure enough, when he finished, the Stone swelled and sprouted a face, and the figure walked upright of its own ability. “How do you gentlemen do?” it spoke in a powerful, deep voice.

Quincy was dumbfounded. Shit just kept getting weirder and weirder.

“We seek the location of the final three Whorecrushes created by the Watauokubimach,” Fladnag asserted calmly.

“Oh, right. Well, the remaining two pieces of jewelry are in the continental United States, hidden at places that the Foxes used to visit as a family. One is a faux diamond ring in the back room of the gift shop at Fun-Fun Mountain, while the other is a gold necklace hung in the master bedroom of their Uncle Ralph’s cabin. The 69th and final Whorecrush is a former friend of the Watauokubimach’s human form, named Nicole, who was raped by the Watauokubimach several years ago. She was turned into a Whorecrush by a new brand of magic that I do not fully understand, but I know that its usage somehow causes altered requirements for the constitution of a Whorecrush. Recently, the Watauokubimach took her into the bedroom of its cave for safekeeping, where she remains. The Watauokubimach is not currently in its cave. Have a good day, gentlemen.”

The Consecrates stick figure-thing ceased to exist; the three objects regained their original appearance. Fladnag and Quincy sat in silence.


Several minutes later, at the home of the Foxes, Roger and Andy were celebrating a positive pregnancy test when Roger’s cell phone rang. “Hello?” he answered.

“Roger, this is Quincy. I’m out of the country, and I need you and Andy to do me a huge favor.”

“Sure thing Quince, what’s up?”

“Paige hid two pieces of jewelry, one at Uncle Ralph’s cabin and one at Fun-Fun Mountain. A necklace is in the master bedroom of the cabin, while a ring is in the back room of the Fun-Fun Mountain gift shop. I need you two to destroy both of them, using one of the enlarged iguana teeth that I left on the desk in Jason’s old room.”

“Sure thing, Quince. By the way, we’re going to have an addition to the family! Andy is finally pregnant!”

“Great. Get that jewelry destroyed, thanks. Bye.”

“Bye.” Roger got off the phone and spoke to Andy. “I don’t understand what Quincy is up to right now, but I presume that it has something to do with stopping the monster that killed our sons. He needs our help. We must find a necklace in the main bedroom of Ralph’s cabin and a ring in the back of the gift shop at Fun-Fun Mountain and destroy each with an enlarged iguana tooth.”

“Um, alright then. Shall we split up?” asked Andy.

“Sure, I’ll go to Fun-Fun Mountain?” replied Roger.

“No way, it’s a shorter drive! I’d rather go there! I’m a tiny pregnant little woman!”

“But Ralph is your brother! I should go to the park; I have work in the morning!”

“Oh please, like you’re going to get up at a decent hour for work! You’re not even busy. You just smoke cigars and pretend you’re hip!”

“At least I go to work! What demand on your time is keeping you from teaching? None, that’s what!”

This continued on and on. They fought about who would go where for another hour, eventually settling upon assigning Roger to the cabin and Andy to the amusement park. Women always get their way eventually. After the fight finished, they had make-up sex. The two lovebirds then went to Jason’s room, and Roger placed one of the enlarged iguana teeth into his pocket while Andy tucked the other one into her purse. It really is a nice little stroke of luck that Quincy made two extras, isn’t it?

They left the house, kissed goodbye, and stood by the driver’s side doors of their respective cars.

“Good luck! See you soon!” said Roger to his wife.

Andy opened the door to her sedan and got in. “Try not to be a bumbling idiot and mess this up.” She closed the door and started the car.

Roger, unable to respond, got in his old-school station wagon and ignited the engine. The two of them set off on their separate ways.


After about an hour, Andy arrived at Fun-Fun Mountain. She had no desire to pay to park her car or to enter the amusement park and was willing to do whatever it took to avoid any monetary expenses. She flashed the 15-year-old nerdy boy who worked the gate to the parking lots. He had never seen boobs in person before and was very excited about the midsized, somewhat droopy, early-40’s breasts. She parked her car and walked to the entrance to the amusement park.

“Um, hello. I have absolutely no interest in riding rides or seeing people in fuzzy animal suits or playing carnival games or any of that nonsense. I just want to go to the gift shop and purchase a certain ring,” Andy informed the young girl who worked one of the windows at the ticket sales booth.

“I’m sorry ma’am but that is against our policy. A ticket must be purchased to access the premises beyond this point. We do offer a senior citizen’s discount!” chirped the attractive 17 year-old blonde.

“Excuse me?? I’m 42,” replied Andy angrily.

“Oh, my mistake. Well, then that would not apply to you. An afternoon-to-close ticket is $67.50.”

“You have got to be kidding. Look, it’s like this. You can either have my money when I purchase a souvenir from your gift shop, or you can have no money at all. What’ll it be?”

“Ma’am, you must purchase a ticket.” The girl paused briefly. “We do not usually advertise this deal, but I am able to sell you a no-rides ticket for $35. You will not be given the collectible wristband that entitles you to unlimited access to our variety of roller coasters, log rides, Ferris wheels, and numerous other attractions.”

“GAH! Fine, whatever.” Andy gave the girl her Discover It card.

“Thank you!” She ran the credit card and returned it to Andy. “Here are your ticket and receipt. Enjoy your trip to our gift shop!”

Andy scowled and walked toward the turnstiles to enter the park. She gave her ticket to the bouncer, who gave her a funny look before letting her through. She walked to her left, through the jumble of people on the decorated open space at the entrance to the park and toward the main gift shop. She entered the unnecessarily large building with visible disdain on her face.

“Okay, well, what the heck do I do now?” Andy thought. She approached a worker to ask for assistance. “Excuse me, I need to buy a diamond ring that’s stored away in the back room of this shop. I was told that it is kept hidden from the general public but is available for purchase if specifically requested,” she partially fibbed.

“Uhmm, okay. I’ll have to check with my manager,” said the young male gift shop attendant.

“All right.” Andy waited for about ten minutes, and to her surprise, the boy returned with a man carrying a small jewelry box.

“Lady, uhhhh, I don’t know why you want this, but my manager said that he’s wanted to get rid of this ring for years,” the boy began. “I guess that umm, due to park policy of never disposing of anything that could make us money, he hasn’t, like, thrown it away. Umm, I guess he’s tried to sell it but customers ignore it because they want actual souvenirs or whatever.”

“You are becoming somewhat more proficient at your job of customer assistance, Jeremy, but you still have a lot of work to do,” said the man, and he then turned to Andy. “Miss, as he says, I’ve wanted this useless ring out of the store for quite some time. I do not even know how it got here. It is faux diamond and oddly heavy. It also smells rather peculiar. You may have it for $30.”

“Great, my ticket to get in here cost more than the freaking ring,” muttered Andy. She gave the man $30 in cash and he handed her the jewelry box. She opened the box, took the iguana tooth from her purse, and adroitly stabbed the faux diamond. The smell of stale vaginal secretions wafted through the air as the worker and his manager gave her perplexed looks. “Later dudes,” she said, flipping the destroyed ring and its box onto the floor of the gift shop and walking out the door without paying another glance to the workers who assisted her mission.


Meanwhile, the Watauokubimach was bored with GTA V. Its hunger pangs had grown forceful, and it was in the mood for fresh meat. It decided that it needed to find and rouse Hcamibukouataw, who had surely recovered from its bender enough to attempt Yawayukominch by this time. It left its cave, keeping the door to its bedroom locked, and began to trudge slowly across Animadordin. Fuckballs, shit is escalating.


Roger answered his cell phone while driving without using any sort of hands-free set, which is bad. Don’t do this.

“Well, I did it. I smashed the ring. The gift shop staff was very confused,” Andy told him.

“That’s wonderful, honey! I’m halfway to your brother’s cabin. I might be lost though because I broke the GPS when I tried to program it. Hopefully I’ll get there,” Roger answered.

“Good luck. Bye.”

“Bye, I love you.” Roger heard the call end without reciprocation from his wife.

After two more hours of driving, one of which was an unnecessary loop through a rural farming region, Roger indeed did reach the cabin. He parked the car at the bottom of the hill that it was located on, and walked about a hundred feet uphill to the front door. By the time he reached it, he was exceedingly fatigued and took two minutes to catch his breath. Then he entered the cabin and turned to his right, walking through the living room into the master bedroom. Once inside, he spotted the necklace, an extravagant golden chain, hanging from a jewelry peg by a mirror on a dresser across the room from him. He walked across the room, removed the necklace from the peg, and laid it on the dresser.

“Okay, well, here goes nothing,” Roger thought. He folded the necklace over itself several times, removed the iguana tooth from his pocket and clumsily stabbed the chain repeatedly with it. Watauokubimach semen oozed from the thin gold band. The final non-living Whorecrush was no more.


In the redwood lair of Fladnag, Quincy was playing “2048” on his iPhone when it rang, disrupting his game. He answered the call.

“We’ve done it,” said the voice on the other side.

“Fuck yeah! Thanks, Roger,” replied Quincy. He hung up the phone. “What now, Fladnag?”

“Now, we celebrate by making love,” replied the dwarf excitedly.

“Excuse me?”

“I want to be intimate with you. You arouse me.”

“Um, hell fucking no, bitch. I’m out of here.” Quincy fled the tree and the Forsaken Forest speedily. He was again without a consultant in his journey to defeat the Watauokubimach, but he would find another shortly.

“Okay, well, I know it lives in a cave. If I were a cave, where would I be?” Quincy mumbled to himself as he crossed the plains of Animadordin. Nary a creature was to be seen for an extended period of time, until Quincy tripped over a hobbit. He’s sure had difficulty with that whole tripping thing since he got to Animadordin, hasn’t he?

“Oof,” he grunted. “What the damn hell?” he followed, noticing the small human-like creature behind him.

“Hello, Chosen One. My name is Bildo. Like, half of Bilbo and half of Frodo. Plus it is slang for an anal dildo!” explained the hobbit.

“Um, yes, well, thanks for that information. I’m sick of all this bullshit so let’s get down to business. Can you help me to find the cave of the Watauokubimach and destroy its final Whorecrush, preferably without ending the life of the innocent – albeit annoying – high school-aged girl that was used to create it, Nicole?”

“Yes, yes, of course. The cave is not too far from us. We must take our talents to South Beach.” Bildo liked LeBron James for some reason, so he had always wanted to say that.

“Uh, right. Let’s go.” The two moved toward the beach, with Bildo leading the way.


The Watauokubimach took the shortest possible path to the underground lair of Hcamibukouataw; it did not cross paths with Quincy and Bildo as Quincy’s initial route was far more circuitous due to his ignorance of the geography of Animadordin. It found the iPad in the middle of the plains, bellowed “Xeouphi,” and climbed down the ladder. It entered the bedroom and found its dead friend and destroyed Whorecrushes.


The Watauokubimach threw an outlandish tantrum, trashing the entire dwelling. Weapons, dinnerware, electronics, the body of Hcamibukouataw, decorations, furniture, and countless other objects were thrown and smashed, leaving the home as little more than a scrap heap. When it finished raging, it sat down and cried.

“My mate. My Whorecrushes. Gone,” it whimpered. “The iguana. Quincy. My son. He would try to end me? He could eat teenage boys and be immortal with me, but he… He would align himself with the mortal humans instead? Has he destroyed my other Whorecrushes too? Is he hunting Nicole? SHIT! I must return to my home!” The beast frantically climbed out of the underground, on a mission to reach its cave.


Simultaneously, Quincy and Bildo had arrived at the cave. Nicole’s muffled screams could be heard from outside.

“Nicole,” said Quincy to Bildo. “What are we going to do about Nicole? Do we have to kill her?”

“No. You can remove the Whorecrush from her body, Quincy,” replied the tiny hobbit.

“Umm, right. And just how the fuck am I supposed to do that exactly? Do you know?”

“I do! Oh wait, no I don’t.”

Quincy face-palmed, then the two of them entered the cave as Bildo continued to mumble useless things. They walked through the living room and approached the bedroom door. After they discovered that it was locked, Quincy used a fireball spell to burn the door and allow their entry. You can make up your own incantation for that one.

“Hllllppp mmmm!!!!” screamed Nicole when the iguana and hobbit stepped into the room. She was bound and gagged, her arms handcuffed to the headboard of the bed and her legs tied to two posts at its foot.

“Well, first, let’s enable her to talk to us.” Quincy hopped onto the bed and untied the rag around Nicole’s mouth.

“Quincy! I never thought I’d be happy to see you! What is going on? Can you get me out of here?” she quickly said as Quincy proceeded to untie her legs. The handcuffs would not be quite as easy.

“Yes, Nicole, I can, but we have another problem that we need to solve. Did you know that your captor turned you into a Whorecrush?”

Nicole wore a bewildered expression. “A whore what?”

“A Whorecrush. A few years ago, a monster raped you. It may have looked like Paige.”

“Wait, what? I was RAPED?”

Quincy stayed calm. “Yes, do you remember?”

Nicole’s eyes went blank and she spoke in a rushed monotone. “I was 11! They told me it was just a dream! There was no evidence and no one else heard or saw anything! I could never see what it was; I just felt its enormous body and penis. I was in trauma counseling for a year and treated for schizophrenia! Oh my God, it was real…”

“Yes, it was a magical rape. Paige was never human at all; she was always the beast that brought you here. Whorecrushes contain a bodily fluid from their creator, which allows for their revival using a spell that I don’t understand. I presume that when it raped you, it used other magic that is beyond me to keep its semen inside of you and whatever else is required to -”

“EWWWW!!!! I still have its CUM inside me?” Nicole interjected.

“As best as I understand, yes. It must have done whatever else is required to create a human Whorecrush too. Eating a teenage boy may have somehow been involved.”

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.” Nicole was in shock.

“Nicole,” Quincy said, thinking on his feet, “we need to get that, uh, cum out of you and whatever else it takes to exorcise that demon’s magic from your body. I have a weapon that destroys the magical power of a Whorecrush, but I am not going to hurt you. I refuse to have another human harmed because of this ridiculous fucking ordeal.”

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,” Nicole continued to stammer.

“Nicole, please,” pleaded Quincy. “Work with me. What can we do?”

Nicole did her best to focus. “D-d-do you have magic t-t-too?”


“C-c-can you use magic to s-s-summon the cum,” she said, paused to silently shudder, then finished, “from in…in…inside of me?”

“Maybe. I have only used a few spells, all out of necessity, recently. When I know I need a spell, I find the ability to use one.”

“W-w-we need a spell now…”

Quincy concentrated upon her words, then upon his magical energies. He knew that she was right, and he knew that this would be unpleasant for both of them. “Yes. We do.” He carefully used his fireball spell to break and separate the handcuffs from Nicole’s wrists, and she was free. “Remove your pants, Nicole.”

She cringed as she did so. Quincy focused his gaze upon her vagina and searched his Iguana Intuition for the proper magical phrasing. “Summonicowataspermaticum!”

“Ahhhhhh!!” Nicole moaned in pain, or perhaps pleasure, as several fluid ounces of Watauokubimach semen gushed out of her vagina. Yeah, sorry, this is pretty fucked up. Just bear with me for a little bit longer, okay?

Quincy reflexively grabbed the enlarged iguana tooth and allowed the white liquid to flow through the air onto and past it, then he swirled the tooth around in the semen that landed on the floor. “We’ve done it,” he stated, quite surprised. “I know it. You’re free.”

“T-t-t-t-t-thanks,” Nicole said, shuddering as she put her pants back on. “I…I need to go,” she continued. “I need to go right now, far far away and never ever ever come back.” She walked toward the exit of the cave.

“Here Nicole, take this,” said Quincy. “It’s a cell phone that belonged to a friend of the Watauokubimach. Use it to get a hold of someone to take you home.” He pulled the iPhone out of his backpack.

Nicole took the phone and ran out of the cave down the shores of Animadordin. Once the cave was out of sight, she sat on the beach for an extended time, letting the cold and calming water rush over her legs. Eventually, she called 911, which directed her to the Animadordin SOS Agency. A good elf came to rescue her and took her home on an invisible elven star cruiser. She would go on to have years of therapy; nobody believed her stories, and after a while she stopped believing them herself. She ended up living a normal, happy life, though she never understood what happened to her best friend in middle school and the beginning of high school, Paige Fox.


Back in the present time of our story, the Watauokubimach had, at last, neared its cave. It had a bad feeling about this. It took a deep breath and walked across the shore to the cave and entered it.

“Hello? Is anybody here? Nicole?” it called as it walked through the entryway and into the living room.

Quincy and Bildo jumped. The Watauokubimach spotted the iguana and hobbit on its couch. “A ha ha, what have we here?” it asked.

Bildo ran to the adjacent dining room and hid underneath the table inside. What a fucking pussy. The Watauokubimach completely ignored him, because he posed no threat whatsoever. Like, seriously, a baby bunny would have had more of a chance to kill the Watauokubimach than that worthless hobbit did.

The beast turned to Quincy and spoke. “Quincy, my son. You have betrayed me greatly since I revealed the truth of your lineage. However, you may redeem yourself. Join me. We will make ourselves immortal and eat teenage boys forever as father and son. With your help, I will cast Yawayukominch and we shall enjoy the grand feast of all of the teenage boys together. This is the only way.”

“Um, hell no, asshole. Even if I forgave you for killing Jason and Peter, I would have no interest in joining you or eating boys. I’m a goddamn iguana for crying out loud. You on the other hand are a fucking cunt.”

“Language, my son! My goodness! I am all you have left. Jason and Peter are gone. Who else have you to turn to? Roger? Andy? Ha! I never knew them to show any care for you. Join me and I will keep you fed, sheltered, warm, and safe. You must do this, Quincy. It is your destiny.”

“Save your bullshit persuasions; I am loyal to the Foxes. This is it, you monster. My family and I have destroyed all of your Whorecrushes. It’s just you and me now, and I think we both remember how that ended up last time,” Quincy asserted.

The revelation about his Whorecrushes struck a chord in the Watauokubimach. “You couldn’t have gotten them all?” wailed the beast, stunned.

“I got them all, with some help from Roger and Andy. All 69 are gone, bitch. You used one after I kicked your ass in the mall. Then, we destroyed 33 in your old room, 32 in the underground, and one each in Fun-Fun Mountain and Uncle Ralph’s cabin. Just before you got here, I exorcised Nicole with no help from that stupid hobbit thing. You are fucked.”

“B-b-but 69 was such a powerful and sexual number!! How can they all possibly be gone??”

“Because fuck you, that’s how.” After finishing these words, Quincy extended his natural hand and his robotic hand straight out in front of his body, suddenly unconscious while consumed by a supernatural force. “THIS ENDS NOW. REDUCTAWATACORPUSANIMUS!”

Two beams of light shot from Quincy’s hands, piercing the Watauokubimach. “ARRRRRGHHH!!!” it groaned, before reverting in appearance to that of Paige Fox, whose body fell backward to the ground, lifeless. The mangled soul of the beast hovered in the air as a speck of light briefly, then dulled and fell to the floor, ceasing to be anything more than an inert dust particle. The Watauokubimach, the legendary beast of Animadordin, was dead and had no hope for revival. The terror had ended.

Quincy came to. “Damn, what the fuck just happened?” he questioned aloud.

Bildo climbed out from under the table, walked into the living room, and faced Quincy. “It is dead. Animadordin and America are safe,” he said.

“I see that it’s dead, but I mean, what the hell happened? I blacked out for a moment. Did I kill it?”

“You did. You cast the One Spell of Beastly Body and Soul Destruction. It is written that only the Chosen One can do so. You are truly a hero, Quincy.”

“Right, got it. Well, am I ever fucking relieved that it’s over. I’m going home, bye.” Quincy left the cave. “Iguanoleviatuscorpo!” he chanted. He flew quickly back to America and toward the house of the Foxes. Upon landing unseen in a nearby tree, he witnessed a tranquil scene as neighborhood children played in the evening streets and yards, spared of the wrath of the Watauokubimach and ignorant of all that had lately transpired.

Quincy scampered down the tree and walked through his house’s yard and onto its front step. He looked back toward the tree and noticed the distant ghosts of Jason, Peter, and Marcus smiling at him, having found peace in the afterlife following the death of the Watauokubimach. He smiled back, turned, and opened the door of the Fox household, intending upon returning to Jason’s room and taking a well-deserved nap. His absurd and epic quest was over. All was well.

- The End -